life, and the roller coster it is
well, halloween has come and gone. I ended up being a spider witch. I had a three minute custume and got a lot of compliments. which made me feel nice.
I havent felt nice in a very long time. I like it...
Anyways, first day of nano wrimo. Exciting!!!! I cant wait to be able to get started!!! However, prior commitments.... blahh!!!! For example, tonight i am giving a presentation on our girl guide trip to england. And hopefully my counter part Little Lauren will be there, so i wont be alone with big lauren and her mom. Well, at least no matter what i will have colleen!! Yay for small pleasures!!!
I have penpals now. I have (currently) two from honduras, two from england and am waiting on replies from the rest. We met them at Olave 2006, and do i ever miss that camp!!! We slept in tents for a week, had to suffer through weather extremes, noisey kids in our subcamp, too many people with my name, a different (enough) language, odd foods, bitches, few showers and numerous other things. And i miss every moment of it. Its odd. Being so far away from home, my friends, everything familiar, i felt totally liberated. I made some amazing connections. I felt like there were no expectations. I could be me, and that was an amazing experence. I am now addicted to poraige. MMmm.....
I miss it all terribly... i wasnt stressed out, which for me is a big thing.
I missed my friends, but what hurt, is that it wasnt terrily. I mean, i knew in the back of my mind that i would see them after thrity days, and i've spent much longer then that away from them in the summer, but... its hard to explain. I wanted one of them to email me, ask me what was going on, how i was. With no prompting from me, just a honest interest in what i was doing, how i was doing. I dillusioned myself into believeing that when i came home, that would change. I guess the easiest person to trick is ourselves.
Blair came back to school. I see her am much as when she was away it seems. I only really see her because she has a class next to me. And she hangs out with aya. Other then that, shes a picture, a unanswered email or unreturned phone call. And whats worse, i feel like its that way with all of my friends. I know that this sounds very woo is me, and melodrimatic, but if your reading this blog, then your reading my words, and this is a hurt i've been carrying for some time, so you can leave now or keep reading. I dont care.
I'm just so sick of being on the outside looking in. I feel like i'm waiting at a friends house, and everyone is inside, and yet no matter how many times i know, or ring the doorbell, or scream or cry, no one opens it.
I need to get out of my house and have a little fun....
I need to stop the pressure... i need a hug....
what hurts the most is that i cant tell anyone who isnt electric bloggert. I mean, no one would understand why i feel this way. MAny would shrug it off, or say a number of wrong things. I also dont really trust anyone enough to tell them. I remember times when i did have someonbe i could tell stuff too, but no longer. I know that these emotions slowly eat away at people, that things need to be shared. but the wall around the heart also need to remain strong. I've been burned before, and i am currently willing to suffer in my silence. seven months till school ends. A day at a time is how these things are concured, and thats what i'll do.
Last night, halloween night, was a break. I stayed at home, and got to spend some quality time with my pumpkin, who i have called fabulosos, because he is so great!! He is the sizer of my torso and i adore him!
The career counciler is leaving... this makes me very sad... shes so nice and has done so much to help me discover what i want to do, and where i would ike to take that course. I am going to miss her very much. I felt closer to her then alot of people i know, friends included, and we've only had four or five appointements...
*****8*******8****
Tears are a weakness i cant aford. I am happy no one is here to see me cry....
I havent felt nice in a very long time. I like it...
Anyways, first day of nano wrimo. Exciting!!!! I cant wait to be able to get started!!! However, prior commitments.... blahh!!!! For example, tonight i am giving a presentation on our girl guide trip to england. And hopefully my counter part Little Lauren will be there, so i wont be alone with big lauren and her mom. Well, at least no matter what i will have colleen!! Yay for small pleasures!!!
I have penpals now. I have (currently) two from honduras, two from england and am waiting on replies from the rest. We met them at Olave 2006, and do i ever miss that camp!!! We slept in tents for a week, had to suffer through weather extremes, noisey kids in our subcamp, too many people with my name, a different (enough) language, odd foods, bitches, few showers and numerous other things. And i miss every moment of it. Its odd. Being so far away from home, my friends, everything familiar, i felt totally liberated. I made some amazing connections. I felt like there were no expectations. I could be me, and that was an amazing experence. I am now addicted to poraige. MMmm.....
I miss it all terribly... i wasnt stressed out, which for me is a big thing.
I missed my friends, but what hurt, is that it wasnt terrily. I mean, i knew in the back of my mind that i would see them after thrity days, and i've spent much longer then that away from them in the summer, but... its hard to explain. I wanted one of them to email me, ask me what was going on, how i was. With no prompting from me, just a honest interest in what i was doing, how i was doing. I dillusioned myself into believeing that when i came home, that would change. I guess the easiest person to trick is ourselves.
Blair came back to school. I see her am much as when she was away it seems. I only really see her because she has a class next to me. And she hangs out with aya. Other then that, shes a picture, a unanswered email or unreturned phone call. And whats worse, i feel like its that way with all of my friends. I know that this sounds very woo is me, and melodrimatic, but if your reading this blog, then your reading my words, and this is a hurt i've been carrying for some time, so you can leave now or keep reading. I dont care.
I'm just so sick of being on the outside looking in. I feel like i'm waiting at a friends house, and everyone is inside, and yet no matter how many times i know, or ring the doorbell, or scream or cry, no one opens it.
I need to get out of my house and have a little fun....
I need to stop the pressure... i need a hug....
what hurts the most is that i cant tell anyone who isnt electric bloggert. I mean, no one would understand why i feel this way. MAny would shrug it off, or say a number of wrong things. I also dont really trust anyone enough to tell them. I remember times when i did have someonbe i could tell stuff too, but no longer. I know that these emotions slowly eat away at people, that things need to be shared. but the wall around the heart also need to remain strong. I've been burned before, and i am currently willing to suffer in my silence. seven months till school ends. A day at a time is how these things are concured, and thats what i'll do.
Last night, halloween night, was a break. I stayed at home, and got to spend some quality time with my pumpkin, who i have called fabulosos, because he is so great!! He is the sizer of my torso and i adore him!
The career counciler is leaving... this makes me very sad... shes so nice and has done so much to help me discover what i want to do, and where i would ike to take that course. I am going to miss her very much. I felt closer to her then alot of people i know, friends included, and we've only had four or five appointements...
*****8*******8****
Tears are a weakness i cant aford. I am happy no one is here to see me cry....
posted by dragon's voice at 3:10 PM
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