rants about life,. blair and self realisation
i talked to balir last night on the phone. I was so nervious when i called her cell, and then when there was no reply from that, her home number. She was home, and i saw so excited to be talking to her. It was the first thing i've felt in awhile.
I wish i could feel something right now. I've gone back to being that empity person i was in grade 8, watching the world and all of its tinted colors swirl by me, and no matter how hard and frantically i reach for it, its always too far away. What lovely imigery.
I talked to blair. On line. Which makes me hope that other people are talking to her too. She said she had to go, but she stayed on-line to talk to aya. The pecking order is now crystal clear. I guess its because they spent so much time together over the summer. I dont mean to sound bitter about that fact, as i'm not. And thats what it is, a fact of life. Its something that has already occured and theres nothing anyone can do to change that.
What 'hurts' (the closet i can come to feeling it right now anyways) is that she didnt call. She never said a word, or tried to, to tell me, or anyone else for that matter, what was happening. People had to call her, and were lucky if they got through and talked to her. I cant begin to pretend to know what she was, or is for that matter, what shes thinging, and i dont know if i want to. its true, that i've never run away from home. I've gotten drunk once. I've tried drugs once, and nothing happened.
I discovered that she hated the people she was hanging outwith. THe gang hated those people as well. The only reason that blair hung out with them was because she thought the gang wouldnt take her back. And this whole time, some of us thought she didnt like us and didnt want to come back. Mixed signles that lead to no communication on both fronts.
I'm a fool. Not a first grade one like in the time or shakespeare, but an everyday, ordanary fool.
I am talking to aya right now. She can feel. I envy and pity her for that. Shes hurt. Shes crying. And i feel helples sin the fact i can't help her, and a fool for not seeing how distraught she was. I saw earlier, i felt it earlier, but i knew not to get involved. People dont seem to like having their emotions pointed out to them when they try so hard to hide them and not feel.
i should be doing my homework right now...but i'm not.
What is it in ourselves that is self-distructive? What makes us strike out on our own and leave the safety of our nests./ Why is it that others can crush our hopes are if they were nothing, and we hold onto those said hopes and dreams long after they've turned to dust and floated away on the breeze?
You know you live a sad life when you understand of much of what shakespeare says, and why he said it.
The only thing that will never change is change. I wish that wasnt true.
Its true i have never felt "Fuck everyone." I know people who have, and then disapeared for sometime. Never calling, never writing. All the while i rip myself to shreds, trying to understand and figure out if there were any signs, anything i could have done to change things. And then, about a week after blair was gone, i came to a realisation. I am just one person. I can not affect those i love as strongly as i wish, and most of those people will never value me as i do them.I am sentimental, perhaps too much for my own good. I mother people. And perhaps, just maybe, they dont need me like i do them. Simple facts of discovery. Nothing more, nothing less.
Its amazing, how much a person can be hurt without shedding a drop of blood, and how much sorrow a single tear can hold.
If life is all about the journey, how are you suposto to know where you need to end up ?
i hate philosophy...
i honestly dont think anybody reads this anymore. Thats kind of a comfort.
where are my wordS? Where are my imiges? Why can i not express that? perhaps there is nothing more to express. If that is so, blairs not the only one in trouble. I think we all are. And shes just up and done something that overshadows what we do..
I really need to get off that subject...
I wish i could feel something right now. I've gone back to being that empity person i was in grade 8, watching the world and all of its tinted colors swirl by me, and no matter how hard and frantically i reach for it, its always too far away. What lovely imigery.
I talked to blair. On line. Which makes me hope that other people are talking to her too. She said she had to go, but she stayed on-line to talk to aya. The pecking order is now crystal clear. I guess its because they spent so much time together over the summer. I dont mean to sound bitter about that fact, as i'm not. And thats what it is, a fact of life. Its something that has already occured and theres nothing anyone can do to change that.
What 'hurts' (the closet i can come to feeling it right now anyways) is that she didnt call. She never said a word, or tried to, to tell me, or anyone else for that matter, what was happening. People had to call her, and were lucky if they got through and talked to her. I cant begin to pretend to know what she was, or is for that matter, what shes thinging, and i dont know if i want to. its true, that i've never run away from home. I've gotten drunk once. I've tried drugs once, and nothing happened.
I discovered that she hated the people she was hanging outwith. THe gang hated those people as well. The only reason that blair hung out with them was because she thought the gang wouldnt take her back. And this whole time, some of us thought she didnt like us and didnt want to come back. Mixed signles that lead to no communication on both fronts.
I'm a fool. Not a first grade one like in the time or shakespeare, but an everyday, ordanary fool.
I am talking to aya right now. She can feel. I envy and pity her for that. Shes hurt. Shes crying. And i feel helples sin the fact i can't help her, and a fool for not seeing how distraught she was. I saw earlier, i felt it earlier, but i knew not to get involved. People dont seem to like having their emotions pointed out to them when they try so hard to hide them and not feel.
i should be doing my homework right now...but i'm not.
What is it in ourselves that is self-distructive? What makes us strike out on our own and leave the safety of our nests./ Why is it that others can crush our hopes are if they were nothing, and we hold onto those said hopes and dreams long after they've turned to dust and floated away on the breeze?
You know you live a sad life when you understand of much of what shakespeare says, and why he said it.
The only thing that will never change is change. I wish that wasnt true.
Its true i have never felt "Fuck everyone." I know people who have, and then disapeared for sometime. Never calling, never writing. All the while i rip myself to shreds, trying to understand and figure out if there were any signs, anything i could have done to change things. And then, about a week after blair was gone, i came to a realisation. I am just one person. I can not affect those i love as strongly as i wish, and most of those people will never value me as i do them.I am sentimental, perhaps too much for my own good. I mother people. And perhaps, just maybe, they dont need me like i do them. Simple facts of discovery. Nothing more, nothing less.
Its amazing, how much a person can be hurt without shedding a drop of blood, and how much sorrow a single tear can hold.
If life is all about the journey, how are you suposto to know where you need to end up ?
i hate philosophy...
i honestly dont think anybody reads this anymore. Thats kind of a comfort.
where are my wordS? Where are my imiges? Why can i not express that? perhaps there is nothing more to express. If that is so, blairs not the only one in trouble. I think we all are. And shes just up and done something that overshadows what we do..
I really need to get off that subject...
posted by dragon's voice at 7:05 PM
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