Man, i feel like a dweebe.

I mean, i got back from Rome and London england yesterday, which was really very exciting, it truly was, but now that im back, all i want to do is hang with friends. And it looks like i may not get to do that for quiet some time. While, five days. Which seems like an etirnity.

Its nice not having to pay for internet useage by fifteen minute intervals. Thats why i never posted when i was gone. If i had gotten better rates, guarenteed i would have given some lengthly updates to the tangle that is my life. But circumstances and shit happen, so am not going to dwell. Much.

Is it wrong to want to go into someones arms and just cry? Tears of happyness, sadness, just to let it all out. To be able to express emotions and not worry about being snapped at because its the wrong one.

Loran (big loran, the bitch, not to be confused with little loran, the concurer {one thing consistant, my spelling is terrible}) uncovered a path that i have been trying to stray from for several years. She never made me go onto it, that was something that was done subconsiously as somewhat of a survival instint. To supress emotion. not to express. Something i have been trying to veer away from the past several years. I want to experence, and share it, but now that i have gone back to bad habits, i'm afraid that it will still remain for sometime.

Its wierd. It was my friends who pulled me out of my abyss. I liked seeing my brother again and my father, who will soon be departing for about a week. Its so wierd to think two weeks before school starts again. The summer seems to have been timeless, or perhaps time has rushed by, and i am meant to pick up the shards left behind. But thats off the topic. I came home, was on a high note all the way home from the airport. And then, after about fifteen or twenty minutes of being home, i was content. Five minutes later, i missed evertone so much more then when i was away. Sure, pretty well only one friend emailed me constantly, and i looked towards that daily email as a light in the darkness (as cleche as that sounds, its true) , but i missed all my friends, to varying degrees. I wont lie and say i missed them all equally. urrently though, there are two who i would just love to see, and curl up with on a big couth and just bitch, or listen or laugh or just sit there silently, enjoying their closeness. BUt i havent seen either of them since schoolended practically, and i miss the as if it has been five years.

i'm blaming my tears on the jetlag. Its six oclock and i'm crying. I hate this.

i know i said i wanted to expere4nce emotion, but not sitting alone in a basement. ANd not this emotion. Why do we have to become so connected to people? I talked to one of the two last night, for about anhour. We were both falling asleep on our feet, but it seemed as if i had never left and yet had numerous adventures which i wanted, no needed, to share. But not over the phone. You loose too much that way.

Man, i feel like a mess. Ironically, i just had a shower.

Maybe i can blame this on my period, which is on time this time. Fucking period.