Hope

well, i went to the dance on thursday. There were only 11 people there, max, setting up for it. Only three of us actually worked. Anna is such a bitch. She has absolutly no idea whats she doing, and doesn't care if she bankrupts student council. She just spends and spends, bitches and pretty much argues against everything that makes sense and is an overall nusance.

Which makes me so happy that shes been suspended and kicked off student council for getting shit faced at the dance.

After thebitches had left for dinner, i had to fix things and try to salvage what i could. She bough glass vases for the dance. What an idiot. Everyone not her friends thought so too. You dont go shopping at zellers and micheals for dance decorations.

I had to blow up helium balloweens for an hour before the dance. I was strongly opposed to the idea of having helium, but was over ruled. Kids, as i thought they would, abused it and shit broke loose. NO oneseems to care that you can actually kill or retard yourself with helium. but thats to be expected, in a world as fucked up as ours is.

I got 2 free boster juices and got into the dance for free. I worked front desk again, and the only reason i went into the dance was because blair promised me a slow dance. Sad as that is, that was my only motivation. I usually hate dances, but this one was the most fun i've ever been to. Sad, as 13 kids were suspended and 2 expelled.

Two of my friends were on drugs. I found out from someone i hate, when i was dancing with her (non hated friend) . She wondered why everyone was mad at her. She asked why they were mad at her, and they said they were dissipointed. She didn't know why. She never asked me what i thought. if she had, she would have known i have lost fiath. Not just in her, but in my other friend as well. if they can not keep themselves clean, how can they expect to have someone lean on them. I lied to one. She said i was dissipointed in her. I said no. But i really actually am. i just didn't want her doing anything stupid while she was on it. She was pretty messed up, though she tried to hide it. But you can't hide your feelings from someone who has a nasty habit of picking them up.

but what am i ment to say to unstable friends? Sorry, you have dissipointed me more then i can express. Yah, sorry, you've failed practically all the bacis that create my levels of respect, and that i feel like i can no longer depend on you. Yah, great things to tell people who are under the influence. I tried, you know, to protect them, but i guess you can't always protect someone from themselves. And that is a pretty major failing. Should i feel so low, that their failure is partly my own? That they had to turn to substances, instead of being able to turn to me ? That they chose to take instead of saying no? I feel like a complete and utter failure. Unworthy of being a friend.

Every rose has its thorns.

When i found out that the friend who doesn't take drugs did, she was in my arms as i got my slow dance. Now, i can't even listen to that song. when it comes on the radio, i have to change it. It is now tainted. It took alot of self control not to push her away from me, to yell at her about what she's done, hold her and ask why, and storm out into the front area and call my dad to come and pick me up. I kept dancing with her, and everytime she smiled at me, i died just a little bit more. I actually dont know how i got through that night. Not pushing them away from me and crying. but then, i've always been somewhat of a master over my emotions. And frankly, not alot of people knew what i felt. I dont think anyone did.

And i actually did another thing i am not proud of. I danced with someone who i found so disgusting, so repulsive, someone who my gut screamed at me to get away from, because my friend looked at me with puppy dog eyes. Wasn't for more the 45s, yet his hands wondered and then i split. I felt like the skin he touched was cloged, and filled with shit. I got a ride home proptly afterwards, and then scrubbed my effected skin. Twenty minutes in the shower wasn't enough to make me feel clean.

Thankfully on friday i met with my rangers unit and managed to put it behind me, for a little while anyways. And then on saturday, i told bri the good news about anna and her friends. I dont know if we're going to be able to have anothjer dance again, because of how stupid people are, but whatever. I could almost frankly not care less.

Over the past little while, i've felt so alone. here are my friends, getting involved in shit, always talking about what they did together recently, or exchanging info on things only they know about, and alls i can do is listen. I feel like a gap has started, with them on one side and me on the other. It is very aparent that the group is splitting, and yet, almost no feeling of that knowldge has attached itself to me. I'm sure it will at one point, or maybe it already has, yet i;ve been ignoring it. Wouldn't suprise me, i do things like that far more often then is healthy.

i dunno. Is it really so wrong to want a companion? Someone who listens, and shares. WHo cares. But then, i live in a less then ideal world, we all do. So, i've given up on that. I know that i'm young, but i feel so much older then i should. I look back on my childhood and can't recongnize that girl. Maybe its the passage from girl to woman, yet i know many woman who are very much in touch with their inner child.

And to complicate matters further, i want to fight. I dont mean, petty verbal arguments. I mean, down adn dirty flesh verse flesh, blood fighting. An outlet, i guess, is what i'm looking for. for a darker side, that until recently, i have kept under wraps.

WOw,this sounds like a bad movie script. THe loney protagonist searches out love, only to find it in the cage, fighting for her life. Get real, right? Well, i wish i could. But then, i wish on too many stars, and nothings happened. Thats something i've missed as of late; veiwing the heavens through my private window to the sky.

But then recently my daydreams haven't been usual either. but what has that got to do with anything, right? Who frankly cares about a few little day dreams in the grand scheme of things?

not too many, thats for sure...

yet i have all these stories, bubbling inside. Ready to spill out. Yet i dont have an outlet for them to go. But i will hopefully have that fixed over the break. Hopefully...

hope. Just a simple word, yet it carries so much hope. So much potentional, and so much pain.