cross roads of life
my parents had another row today. I was the topic of discussion, as my mother called the event. Shes been butting heads with alot of people lately. Suprise, suprise. Life for someone who goes through life making others misserable is getting karma. What a shame. Not.
Well, it (the row) was about my trip to england. My mom demanded (not asked) that my dad pay colleen by the end of the week, at the latest. When he asked about my passport and air plane ticket to vancouver, she said he would cover it. When he asked about the deal that they had made that they would each pay for half, she said "so what?". Like she hadn't been bitching about the same thing just a moment before. ANd it just struck me as how rude and hipercritical can you be lady?
My dad came down the stairs, as he doesn't like it when they fight in front of us. Thats why, they usually argue at night, when they think we're asleep and can't hear them. But he came down to where i was working, and told me that he never once blamed me for what ever reaction i've had to my mother. All of them were justified. And that he felt the same way about pam. I wanted to just break down and cry, let it all out to one of the few people i trust, and the only one in my immediate 6 person family. but i didn't. i never do. when i cry, its rare, and i've usually reached a breaking point.
i hate crying in public. I only feel safe to cry when i'm in a dark theatre, or when i'm all alone.
pam and mom had a huge fight not that long ago. She seems to be on the prowl to find something about someone to jump onto. Shes a very negative person. I've known that since i was 6. I knew that she was a tyrant,when i was in grade 5, and first heard the word.
She s a totalitarisium wannabe. And she makes us all suffer because of it.
Yet at challenge day yesterday, i felt free from her. I was told, by one of the leader, erin, that i was beautiful. And i believed her. For the first time, i believed someone when they told me i was beautiful. And thats a really big thing for me. I may not be trusting enough, but thats served me well so far. And that, sad as it is, what has kept me alive. Not trusting anyone. I must say, that if i think about it, there really are only about two, or maybe even one, person (s) who i actually trust. And not the usually people that would expeted. And sadly, i feel like friends are slipping about, with the ease of dishwash soap.
mr.dearden is an awesome teacher. I really like him. He doesn't intimiadte me, and he listens, which is so rare. He also laughs and is refreshingly human.
I've been building up my courage with mr.faber. I talked to him, and was so proud when i got 84% on my rewrite test and 80% on my esssay. I want to do better. I want to be a good student. And i want to excell, and then never have to do social ever again.
Chemistry is a bitch.
went to the zoo and saw spalsh. that made my week.
Theres a shop in england, HArrids, that if its legal, they can get anything for you. They are more on the pricy side though. But it blows me away nonetheless.
haven't had a movie fest in awhile...
theres a dancew tomorrow. For the first time, some friends other then blair are going. But i still ahve to decide if i want to go. I always have more fun working the ticket table for the 1st hour before my misguided friends think i'm lonely/sad and want to make me smile. I'd rather be working the table. Everytime. And its not like i'm really missed. Its just that their board, or lonely, serving some end that will bennifit themselves, not me. But whatever. I dont go to these dances to have fun. I have nothing better to do. Cept now i have rangers, i would rather go there. But i promised, and promises are something that can not be tainted by another. their one of the few true things that a person can have. So, even if i dont go to the actual dance, i can help set up and maybe work the front table. I'll bring a change of clothing just in case, but i'll keep the money right next to my cell phone. My mom bitched at my dad and practically told him that over the nexy 3 days, he's my driving slave. Shes volunteering at the dance as a supervisior.Rather be driven home by my dad anyways. At least he's never yelled at me, or hit me, or anything. He is my rock. One of the few things that prevent me from ending it right now.
There was a girl at challenge day who tried to kill herself by overdosng on her sleeping pills. She was in the hospital all weekend,and then she shared her story. Brave of her, to share. If it were me, i would have cut my wrists, and not been in a public palce. You write a note, if the bleeding stops, you cut again, or several times along the veins. Then, you call up some of your closet friends, and appoligize to them adn tell them that you love them. Tell them how much you love them and then hang up. keep the phone on when your done, so no one can call in or out, and then just let it all go with your blood. choose a position, so that those who find you will know you did it on purpose. And then, you will have gone out with a bang, so that everyone knows. Ad that they know, those select few, that you loved them.
I've had that thought in my mind since grade 6. I nearly did it on several occasions. And frankly, everytime i was interrupted with soemone else's problems. JUst them them, and then go. but something always came up, and friends issues shouldn't be complicated even more when things are already shit. And now, after longing for the end, a means to get away from it all, i can't. I made a promise to someone very dear to me, and then he died. Some would say that i loved my cat too much, that we were too deeply connected. They were probably right. But because of him, i can no longer fulfil that fantasy. Now, i can wait for someone else to kill me, or wither inside. And frankly, i've just started to grow, so someone else will have to do the deed. Because of a promise i made to a little kitten, no bigger then the palm of my hand.
And only one person in this whole world knows. ANd she still hangs out with me. Which is a miracle.
Well, it (the row) was about my trip to england. My mom demanded (not asked) that my dad pay colleen by the end of the week, at the latest. When he asked about my passport and air plane ticket to vancouver, she said he would cover it. When he asked about the deal that they had made that they would each pay for half, she said "so what?". Like she hadn't been bitching about the same thing just a moment before. ANd it just struck me as how rude and hipercritical can you be lady?
My dad came down the stairs, as he doesn't like it when they fight in front of us. Thats why, they usually argue at night, when they think we're asleep and can't hear them. But he came down to where i was working, and told me that he never once blamed me for what ever reaction i've had to my mother. All of them were justified. And that he felt the same way about pam. I wanted to just break down and cry, let it all out to one of the few people i trust, and the only one in my immediate 6 person family. but i didn't. i never do. when i cry, its rare, and i've usually reached a breaking point.
i hate crying in public. I only feel safe to cry when i'm in a dark theatre, or when i'm all alone.
pam and mom had a huge fight not that long ago. She seems to be on the prowl to find something about someone to jump onto. Shes a very negative person. I've known that since i was 6. I knew that she was a tyrant,when i was in grade 5, and first heard the word.
She s a totalitarisium wannabe. And she makes us all suffer because of it.
Yet at challenge day yesterday, i felt free from her. I was told, by one of the leader, erin, that i was beautiful. And i believed her. For the first time, i believed someone when they told me i was beautiful. And thats a really big thing for me. I may not be trusting enough, but thats served me well so far. And that, sad as it is, what has kept me alive. Not trusting anyone. I must say, that if i think about it, there really are only about two, or maybe even one, person (s) who i actually trust. And not the usually people that would expeted. And sadly, i feel like friends are slipping about, with the ease of dishwash soap.
mr.dearden is an awesome teacher. I really like him. He doesn't intimiadte me, and he listens, which is so rare. He also laughs and is refreshingly human.
I've been building up my courage with mr.faber. I talked to him, and was so proud when i got 84% on my rewrite test and 80% on my esssay. I want to do better. I want to be a good student. And i want to excell, and then never have to do social ever again.
Chemistry is a bitch.
went to the zoo and saw spalsh. that made my week.
Theres a shop in england, HArrids, that if its legal, they can get anything for you. They are more on the pricy side though. But it blows me away nonetheless.
haven't had a movie fest in awhile...
theres a dancew tomorrow. For the first time, some friends other then blair are going. But i still ahve to decide if i want to go. I always have more fun working the ticket table for the 1st hour before my misguided friends think i'm lonely/sad and want to make me smile. I'd rather be working the table. Everytime. And its not like i'm really missed. Its just that their board, or lonely, serving some end that will bennifit themselves, not me. But whatever. I dont go to these dances to have fun. I have nothing better to do. Cept now i have rangers, i would rather go there. But i promised, and promises are something that can not be tainted by another. their one of the few true things that a person can have. So, even if i dont go to the actual dance, i can help set up and maybe work the front table. I'll bring a change of clothing just in case, but i'll keep the money right next to my cell phone. My mom bitched at my dad and practically told him that over the nexy 3 days, he's my driving slave. Shes volunteering at the dance as a supervisior.Rather be driven home by my dad anyways. At least he's never yelled at me, or hit me, or anything. He is my rock. One of the few things that prevent me from ending it right now.
There was a girl at challenge day who tried to kill herself by overdosng on her sleeping pills. She was in the hospital all weekend,and then she shared her story. Brave of her, to share. If it were me, i would have cut my wrists, and not been in a public palce. You write a note, if the bleeding stops, you cut again, or several times along the veins. Then, you call up some of your closet friends, and appoligize to them adn tell them that you love them. Tell them how much you love them and then hang up. keep the phone on when your done, so no one can call in or out, and then just let it all go with your blood. choose a position, so that those who find you will know you did it on purpose. And then, you will have gone out with a bang, so that everyone knows. Ad that they know, those select few, that you loved them.
I've had that thought in my mind since grade 6. I nearly did it on several occasions. And frankly, everytime i was interrupted with soemone else's problems. JUst them them, and then go. but something always came up, and friends issues shouldn't be complicated even more when things are already shit. And now, after longing for the end, a means to get away from it all, i can't. I made a promise to someone very dear to me, and then he died. Some would say that i loved my cat too much, that we were too deeply connected. They were probably right. But because of him, i can no longer fulfil that fantasy. Now, i can wait for someone else to kill me, or wither inside. And frankly, i've just started to grow, so someone else will have to do the deed. Because of a promise i made to a little kitten, no bigger then the palm of my hand.
And only one person in this whole world knows. ANd she still hangs out with me. Which is a miracle.
posted by dragon's voice at 8:03 PM
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