the ship sales, and prays to anyone who listens not to crash prematurly
Sometimes, the ideocraticy of the world makes me weep. How no one cares for others, how they'd walk over anyone to get to the top, even family and friends. Where have the morals of the world gone? Have they merely been buried in the human physic, or have they truly been discareded into the void of humanity?
TOday, when i woke up, i didn't want to get out of bed. See, i have a ton of studying to do today, but i can't focus. Ever since i went to chapters and saw a particualr tarrot deck, i can't get my mind off it. It literallt plauges my thoughts. Right before i fall asleep, when i wake up, in my dreams, and at random burts, it flashes into my head, which gets to be pretty bloody annoying. And i swear my crystal is shrinking. I've been wearing it for three years with onlu two complete cleansings in that time period, and the grand total of time added up when i wasn't wearing it : three weeks. So i've been technically been wearing it for 153 weeks. Huh. Never realised that before.
Amethyst pulls at me....i have never known why.... maybe because its a protective stone, and i'm so protective... or maybe becuse its purple..or maybe even because the greek word for amethyst means "not drunken" . there was a very large crystal of amethyst in a store in china town. It was about a foot and a half high, and was a sizeable chunk. It was being sold for $250. I was so tempted, i was dragged away from it. Luckily, it hasn't plauged my thoughts like the tarrot deck.
I feel like i've failed as a friend. A friend of mine has had to create a speaker on her blog, which really dwells in her mind (her subconsious perhaps) , so that she can be heard. I haven't really seen her lately or talked all that much to anyone (realisation sets in). Am i really failing so horribly, that when one of my friends need me, i'm not there to help them?Even if it is to lend a listening ear? Have i gone so def to others (after the whole supressing thing) that i can't even sence the need of others anymore? Maybe i should open those flood gates, and even if i am swept away, be able to sence what my friends feel, even if it completely and utterly at the expense of me? If i knew thats what it would take, i would do it. But would it help, or hinder?
I can relate with her need to be heard. The need to have the illusion that someone actually cares and would linger to merely listen to my problems. I had someone, at one time, who i wouldn't have to call up on the telephone to talk to. He merely was there when i needed him, and he would stay for the duration of my rant, then come up and attack my toes or lick my nose. He never responded with human words, but he had a way about him of answering questions. He was my guide and he still is. Sometimes, i swear i see him. And then i walk over to where he is, like i used to always do,and then something happens. At the time, it doesn't seem like much. but when i look back at it, it seems like such a pinical moment, that i feel like a complete dolt for not seeing it earlier. I talk to him before bed sometimes, and there is still the occasional night when the lack of his small warm body on my bed or only Jazzy's meows or a large number of small things (hows that for an oxymoron) cause me to cry myself to sleep. People make fun of me for wearing his tag, yet its part of my connection with him. One that i never want to sever.
*eyes tear up and typing forced top cease*
(five months seems to melt away, and i'm at the vets again.)
But thats not the subject of my rant. Its the fact that people are dirt and that we should at least care for those around us. WE might not be able to save the people in africa from aids, the eastren europeans for bird flu, or the homeless in our cities, no matter how much we want to or desire to. But we should be able, at the very least, to help those closest to our hearts, at the very least. And, looking back now, i reaslise how badly i ahve failed in that small, yet important task, to all my friends. Even though my life has had numerous twists and turns, i should be there for them, who need it so much more then i ever have.
i dont seek forgiveness, as i dont deserve it. It would waste presious time. Now, i'm going to at least try to reach out. And even if i get slapped away or rediculed, i will have tried and i will continue to try, until i once again manage to ease their load, weather or not they know it. None deserve to carry such burdens, especially two i know who are going through things i can't even imagine.
and i must sound so stupid, and hopeful, yet i dont care. i have a course set, and thats how my ship will sale, nomatter what the waters below show, or hide in their stormy depths.
TOday, when i woke up, i didn't want to get out of bed. See, i have a ton of studying to do today, but i can't focus. Ever since i went to chapters and saw a particualr tarrot deck, i can't get my mind off it. It literallt plauges my thoughts. Right before i fall asleep, when i wake up, in my dreams, and at random burts, it flashes into my head, which gets to be pretty bloody annoying. And i swear my crystal is shrinking. I've been wearing it for three years with onlu two complete cleansings in that time period, and the grand total of time added up when i wasn't wearing it : three weeks. So i've been technically been wearing it for 153 weeks. Huh. Never realised that before.
Amethyst pulls at me....i have never known why.... maybe because its a protective stone, and i'm so protective... or maybe becuse its purple..or maybe even because the greek word for amethyst means "not drunken" . there was a very large crystal of amethyst in a store in china town. It was about a foot and a half high, and was a sizeable chunk. It was being sold for $250. I was so tempted, i was dragged away from it. Luckily, it hasn't plauged my thoughts like the tarrot deck.
I feel like i've failed as a friend. A friend of mine has had to create a speaker on her blog, which really dwells in her mind (her subconsious perhaps) , so that she can be heard. I haven't really seen her lately or talked all that much to anyone (realisation sets in). Am i really failing so horribly, that when one of my friends need me, i'm not there to help them?Even if it is to lend a listening ear? Have i gone so def to others (after the whole supressing thing) that i can't even sence the need of others anymore? Maybe i should open those flood gates, and even if i am swept away, be able to sence what my friends feel, even if it completely and utterly at the expense of me? If i knew thats what it would take, i would do it. But would it help, or hinder?
I can relate with her need to be heard. The need to have the illusion that someone actually cares and would linger to merely listen to my problems. I had someone, at one time, who i wouldn't have to call up on the telephone to talk to. He merely was there when i needed him, and he would stay for the duration of my rant, then come up and attack my toes or lick my nose. He never responded with human words, but he had a way about him of answering questions. He was my guide and he still is. Sometimes, i swear i see him. And then i walk over to where he is, like i used to always do,and then something happens. At the time, it doesn't seem like much. but when i look back at it, it seems like such a pinical moment, that i feel like a complete dolt for not seeing it earlier. I talk to him before bed sometimes, and there is still the occasional night when the lack of his small warm body on my bed or only Jazzy's meows or a large number of small things (hows that for an oxymoron) cause me to cry myself to sleep. People make fun of me for wearing his tag, yet its part of my connection with him. One that i never want to sever.
*eyes tear up and typing forced top cease*
(five months seems to melt away, and i'm at the vets again.)
But thats not the subject of my rant. Its the fact that people are dirt and that we should at least care for those around us. WE might not be able to save the people in africa from aids, the eastren europeans for bird flu, or the homeless in our cities, no matter how much we want to or desire to. But we should be able, at the very least, to help those closest to our hearts, at the very least. And, looking back now, i reaslise how badly i ahve failed in that small, yet important task, to all my friends. Even though my life has had numerous twists and turns, i should be there for them, who need it so much more then i ever have.
i dont seek forgiveness, as i dont deserve it. It would waste presious time. Now, i'm going to at least try to reach out. And even if i get slapped away or rediculed, i will have tried and i will continue to try, until i once again manage to ease their load, weather or not they know it. None deserve to carry such burdens, especially two i know who are going through things i can't even imagine.
and i must sound so stupid, and hopeful, yet i dont care. i have a course set, and thats how my ship will sale, nomatter what the waters below show, or hide in their stormy depths.
posted by dragon's voice at 11:00 AM
2 Comments:
Yo, love!
Did I not mention somewhere on that entry on my blog that you and I could do that to each other? Or at least, we used to be able to. I mean rant, that is. Maybe it's been a while since we connected in that way, but don't ever feel as if you were a failure as a friend, because gosh darn it you're about as loyal as a friend can get.
I've been reading more about the meaning to life and the 'clicks' and all that (I'll explain later if you ask), and another thing I learned (not sure if it's a 'click' yet) is that you must always put yourself first. I'm not talking about selfishness. I'm talking about how we are all one being, and the way that you change the world is by changing yourself. If that made absolutely no sense (or sounded like complete bullshit), think of it this way... How many people are ya gonna be able to help if you're swept out to sea?
Know that you're loved.
i'm asking now... though that whole self thing does make sense. But the thing is, for most of my life, i have. Very rarly have i had to step back to help a friend. Thats a good question about the sea...i dunno really...
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