canablism spider-mating may lead to genious

alot of what i expected has come to pass, only to crumble under shaking hands of others. Aspirations and dreams have faded to dust and long since blown away, into the abyss that is humanity. Live life they say, yet they slowly decay, living not a life but a sentence.

I want something better for myself, my friends. I want to know who i am, yet no one seems able to tell me. Many have ideas of who i am, like bitch, whore, geek. But none of these are really me. They are lables, yes, and they are perhaps a side of me. But their not what defines who i am, who is rebecca. I'm suposto to know i'm told, and i tell them thats a fucked up world and a shitty excuse.

i'm just so sick of having lines attached to me and then getting jerkled around like a rag doll. I'm so sick of peoples petty games, and how they always have to be number uno, the winner, the greatest. IF they fall once, they can never rise again.

I dont want to be limited by stupidity. I want to live my life, and be who i am. I dont want to hide behind a mask anylonger. I dont want to be a mask. I want to feel. God, how i want to feel. Emotions, letting them out when i feel them, experencing them, knowing them. Instead of holding them inside like i do. Touch, of something. The sensation of it. Just touching. To feel what it is, and know what it is. Maybe thats why i always find myself reaching out to people, trying to feel, trying to know, but always grabing my hands back before contact, or getting burned when i do. Yet, i keep finding myself not connecting, no matter how much i want to.

I haven't given up though. thats one of the worse things you can do. Give up on yourself. I have bad traits, well so does everyone else. I may not be the smartest, nor dumbest. prettyest nor uglyest. I am me, i just wish i knew who that was,

my faith in people has crumbled
leaving behind a dry husk
of dreams, memories and ambitions.
empity as an old tin can
discarded as such as well.

if anyone knows, please contact me. I'm in need.